Name Means

The names signed by the woman in "Goodbye" are Greek names.

Iliana = bright

Iona = purple jewel

I plan on the names and their significances playing a role later on in the story if I can remember to and create a deep plot. This is a really big step for me in my writing because this far in my life I have never created an entire story, not to mention weave different, almost hidden, elements into it.

If anyone has any suggestions on how I can do this, please feel free to comment and let me know! I welcome any kind of criticism, good or bad!

Idea 1: Goodbye; letter

I have never had to face life alone, as a single force, with no back up. My love, I have been so blessed and cursed by loving you. One thing I have not been is regretful. I would never have lived if it were not for our love. I would not change a thing in our past, for I have heard that it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, and because of you, I agree wholeheartedly. Don't ever think I regret the years that passed with us together. But I need you to know every thought, every feeling I am having. I cannot hold back if I am to let the memory of us go and to honestly say goodbye, to set myself free. I'll regret not getting this message across forever if I do not tell you now. So, I am blessed, my love, for having had you in my life, for learning love and happiness, but I am cursed, for losing you kills me deep down inside. Maybe that is the worst of all. For I have died within, but my body lives on. I have died inside, with you, but I have to learn to live again. Each step of my resurrection is a step away from you and a stab to the heart. Coming back to life means reliving every detail I miss so very much. It scares me so much, love. I have held onto you for this long to avoid all the excess pain but the time has come, dear, to move on.


I have a long, excruciating trip ahead of me, as do you, love. I am ready now, I think, I hope, I need. I wish this was not the way we had to depart from each other; I wish we never had to say goodbye. With these hopes and wishes, I have denied the end of our story. I have neglected this final chapter, keeping the series of events that have led up to our final hours together as close to me as I possibly could. I cannot be bitter, dear, for I know you would want me to be happy. But these long, lonely years have left a mark and I have been bitter, even cold at times. It is tough here without you, my love. And I didn't imagine it any other way. But imagining and living are two very different things. Which is why I am here. I am removing this cloak of bitterness and watching it float away into the clouds. I am taking all these lovely memories and storing them where they will live on forever but cannot haunt me, and I am releasing you from my iron grip, the hardest task I will ever finish. This is goodbye, but not a forever goodbye, a fr-now-goodbye. There will always be a place deep in my heart that is dedicated strictly for you, dear. And in a way, my whole heart is still yours, for if you were to open our door and walk over to me, you would take up all the space in my chest, no matter how long it took you to return.


Farewell on your journey, my one and only true love. Our souls will reunite, and I will be awaiting that day. But, until then, I must move on, my dear, create a new life for myself where I can breathe again without the pain. I must learn to live again, to be myself, the one you set your eyes on so many years ago and fell madly in love with. Oh, I miss those days!


Here I go again, love! Please do not let me dwell! Push me on, push me away from this house, this chair, this bed, these curtains. I need to move on and out, if only to allow you to do the same.


Now I bid you adieu one last time, dear, and this time I mean it. Wait for me when all has settled down and you have found peace. When I find those very things myself, and I take my final breaths, I will come join you to spend eternity in everlasting, immortal love atop the clouds.


Goodbye, my dear Jason. Find peace and happiness not matter where it be, up there in the heavens.


                                                                            With more love than you can imagine,
                                                                                 Iliana a.k.a. Iona <3 





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Idea 1: Goodbye; broken

I've thought about death before, many times. You know, which way hurts the most and which is the most peaceful. And, how will I die? Where? When?


I've even thought about suicide. Quite often, actually. I've never actually considered it, just thought. I don't completely understand why someone would ever want to kill him or herself, or why he or should would be able to go through with the act. On the other hand, I do understand the why part, at least, I do lately. Sometimes it just seems like it would be so much easier to end it and not have to live in so much pain. It's this internal pain that brings the thought, not the physical pain. Times like this make me think about these things, these horrible things.


Without you here, I feel this complete emptiness. It's one of those pains deep inside you that you cannot simply get rid of. I think it stays forever. This one doesn't feel like it will ever go away. And if it at least fades, it will only fade to the backround and linger on until my heart stops beating.


And now, do you see why the pondering of death and suicide come about for me? I do not know how to go on with this dark, burning abyss in my chest. In simpler terms, I do not know how to live without you. After years, decades, of life with you, how can I?


Ending this life would mean an end to this complete and utter misery. It would be a doorway to a far less gruesome universe. Even if heaven and hell do not exist above and below this very body my soul inhibits; even if souls are just figments of our imagination therefore having no where to travel after death, death seems like it would be better than this immortal pain.


It hurts. It immobilizes. It kills. And I never thought this day would come, you being gone and all. You know I am no poet, my love, but the feelings inside pour out of me like a waterfall of colors. Each color a different emotion bursting out. If only I saw colors anymore. Too many have thrust themselves from me into the rapids of my rainbow waterfall, only to leave me now with a world of gray hues.


Once I saw color, I did, just like everyone else. But my world has warped and twisted in this mess. Yes, love, my eyes have transformed in order to make sense of this colorless hell. Which, may I add, is worse than the bright burning fury so often depicted in art as the devil's home. This dull, everlasting underworld doesn't offer and kind of physically painful retreat from the burning, imploding ache in my chest. Physical pain would distract me, and would be much more bearable. It provides no excruciating distractions from my inner turmoil, instead leaving me subject to thought.


I don't mean to guilt you, dear, only to explain. I am not trying to provoke sympathy or sadness from you, quite the opposite. I am trying to say goodbye. But in order to do so, I have to let go of all the baggage I have been holding on to. I have not wanted to let go, but at this point, when contemplating suicide has become ritual, I see that I must. I cannot go on living without coming to terms that our relationship is over, for now, until we meet again, if we ever do. As the song "Landslide," by Fleetwood Mac, says, "I've been afraid of changin' cuz I've built my life around you." The infrastructure of my life has been designed for you, not me alone. I have been petrified of the consequences I might encounter if I live without you. The walls might collapse, the roof may cave in, the streets will probably crack, and the foundation will bulge. The support beams will crumble or melt, the buildings will be left as piles of crumbs being swept here and there by the wind. The oceans will be tempestuous, clouds gray and crying, lightening striking. The gods angered by the misuse of my own little world, furious that I built it for you, but use it, instead, for other things. And I'm afraid that in that perishing world, up in the devastated sky, all I will see is my heart breaking, being punctured, ripped, tugged, smushed, dripping, and the drops of blood turning into the clear rain drops which then turn into my own tears. My world was not built over these years to work without you, dear. For that, I am afraid. I am afraid of facing the future without you by my side, right where you always have been, to help me through any troubles I might stumble into.




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Intro

Hey world!

Hopefully people are or will be reading this and commenting on my many future posts! I'm starting this blog to help better my writing and self-discipline. I searched and found this idea for my senior project when my mom gave me the idea of caning a chair...pretty dull, in my opinion. So - since I love writing - I've decided to create a blog.

Within it, I will make a point to blog either short stories or a longer story in pieces at least once every two weeks. I hope I will blog in addition to this small requirement that I have set as well as connect myself with the rest of the world, and maybe even improve my vocabulary and my use of it.

I would love to get comments, good and bad, on what people think of my blogs!

Thank you!